50 Shades of Nope

There are books that you just love, no questions asked. There are books so ridiculously bad that you end up loving them. And then, there’s 50 Shades of Grey…for the past two days I’ve been repeatedly asking myself “why on earth did I finally decide to read it?”. I guess I was just curious…well, let me tell you, curiosity killed the cat and my faith in humanity. This is going to be really short as I’m trying to erase the experience and forget that I willingly read it…

I started reading the book with an open mind. Seriously, I was willing to give it a chance. Sometimes a bad book will have major success. Example: The Da Vinci Code. Everyone was so obsessed with the book, yet the reviews were bad. I read it and I loved it. Was it accurate? Were the events of the book historically possible? No idea, I didn’t care, I read it in a day and then had to read it again, I loved it. Don’t ask me why, I just loved it and I love Dan Brown. It’s my guilty pleasure. Are there more examples of bad fiction having overwhelming success? Sure, just because something sells it doesn’t mean that it is necessarily a masterpiece.

I don’t mind reading a bad book, I always try to make something positive out of a bad reading experience. When I read Jane Eyre (so sorry, but I just don’t get the appeal…) I thought “well, at least I can say that I’ve read a classic novel and not lie!”. What did I take out of 50 Shades of I Can’t Believe this is a Trilogy? Nothing…I REGRET WASTING PRECIOUS HOURS FOR THIS ABOMINATION!

*deep breath*

I don’t even have the strength to make fun of 50 Shades of Stop Biting Your Damn Lip. Why all the hate? Do you want the list alphabetically or in random order? 50 Shades of This Is Literally Porn With Plot, is wrong on so many levels. First of all, let me clarify that my disgust over the book isn’t due to the let’s-call-them-steamy sex scenes. No, the sex in the book isn’t shocking, not to me at least. You want real obscenity? Read Bataille’s Story of the Eye. When I read Bataille’s story it took me days to recover. After reading 50 Shades of I Immediately Regret This Decision I had a migraine.

50 Shades of this is just a Twilight rip-off actually started as Twilight fan fiction. Let me set the record straight: fan fiction is underrated, fan fiction can sometimes be as good as “real” books. When it comes to 50 Shades of I’m really going to overuse this technique of making fun of the title, the writing is just bad! I consider myself a self-proclaimed/I’ve-never-even-managed-to-write-a-short-story writer, so it pains me to know that a book so bad got published. Somebody edited and proof-read it! I’ve read fan fics way better than 50 Shades of This Should have Stayed Buried in the Internet. I’ve read cake recipes way better than 50 Shades of This is so Bland. Anyway, let’s take a look at the main characters…

Christian Grey, the male protagonist, is presented as an Adonis, he’s charming, charismatic and incredibly rich. He is a bad boy with a heart of gold, he is sensitive and tortured. Do you know what else Christian Grey is? He’s a stalker, a control freak, an abuser. He is possessive, manipulative, violent, terrorizing. Apparently, the reader is supposed to forget all these since he’s really handsome and he really cares for Ana. Grey himself is a victim of abuse and I really don’t want to focus on what the book is trying to promote…

I guess my biggest problem with 50 Shades of When Will This Book Be Over? is, essentially, Anastasia Steele. The way she is written is cartoonish. She is a one dimensional character who only exists for the sake and pleasure of Christian Grey. The biggest character development Anastasia Steele has in the book is an orgasm. Female sexuality is depicted as entirely male pleasing. At one point, Ana is considering leaving Christian, but she backs off. Her reason? She doesn’t want to let go of her newly discovered sexual sensuality. And that’s my biggest problem: do we really need more female heroines who are defined by and solely exist for men? Are we supposed to believe that female sexuality is only awakened and worth exploring because of a man? Ana isn’t an empowered woman who makes her own decisions; she is a victim. Throughout the book she feels humiliated and knows that she is being manipulated. Girl…look at your life, look at your choices!

50 Shades of I Can’t Believe this is a Best Seller isn’t an epic love story, but an abusive one.  Don’t try to romanticize their relationship. Just because it ended up okay, this doesn’t sanctify or magically erase how messed up it is. In 50 Shades of I Refuse to Read the Rest of the Books­, Ana “fixes” Christian and they have their happy ending. In real life though, Ana would most likely end up dead, because that’s what statistically happens in abusive relationships. She would end up dead or hiding from him for the rest of her life.

I’m going to lighten things up a bit…

The word subconscious is repeated so many times I finally know how to spell it without autocorrect. Ana keeps mentioning her inner goddess and she even says that she is tapping her feet impatiently. Girl, this isn’t an inner goddess, this is a gremlin. Anastasia Steele keeps biting her lip all the time. I’m assuming she has an infinite amount of chapstick in her pursue. If you combine the last names of Christian and Ana you get a Zoolander move. After Blue Steel prepare yourselves for Grey Steele!

That’s it, that’s all the fun I can make of 50 Shades of This Book Is So Exhausting.

Does the book have a happy ending? I don’t know, I quit halfway through it…since this is a trilogy, I assume they both stay alive and not magically drop dead from all the crazy sex they’re having.

Is it worth your time? Whatever floats your boat, I really want this review to be over…

Can we get proper fan fiction out of it? Please God, make it stop!

Dinosaurs, vampires or zombies? All of them and add some werewolves, aliens, Weeping Angels, Daleks, Cybermen, Godzilla, a biblical plague and whatever it takes to kill this franchise.

Dream cast in a movie? I don’t care, cast the Muppets and make it a parody musical.

 

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3 thoughts on “50 Shades of Nope

  1. This is gold.
    EXACTLY what I think about 50 Shades of Written For Bored and Spoiled Housewives With Husbands Who Are Too Kind… and I honestly bow to you for having the strength to read any of it.

    accordingtozofie.wordpress.com

    Like

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