How I Lost My Faith in Humanity

Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation/via knowyourmeme.com
Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation/Paramount Domestic Television/CBS Television Distribution/via knowyourmeme.com

I belong to the demographic for which it is age appropriate to have an unhealthy fascination with the atrocity known as Fifty Shades of Grey. Having read all three books of this instalment, so I am more than qualified to protest its monstrosity. As I’m sure you all know by now, the next addition to this franchise was Fifty Shades of Grey the movie. From the first moment I heard they were bringing this abomination to the screen, I was laughing hysterically. But because I am a firm believer in knowing all the facts before jumping to conclusions, I agreed to see it when a friend suggested it. I had read ample reviews about it, all confirming what I knew to be true. Even entering the movie theater with zero expectations, somehow, the experience was worse!

I won’t bother anyone with what passes for plot; I’ll just go straight to damning this abominable franchise straight back to the bottomless pit it came from. Here are just some of the things that are profoundly wrong about this movie.

In the beginning, Anastasia (Ana) Steele, our catatonic female lead, interviews Christian Grey, our self-made gorgeous billionaire sadist. She looks like she just walked out of a ‘50s movie where she works as an underpaid secretary in the local accounting office. Christian, on the other hand, looks like he could be on the cover of every fashion magazine in the world. Of course these two would fall in love! IT’S SO UNBELIEVABLY PLAUSIBLE! Am I to think this movie is deep in any way?

Moving on, Jamie Dornan’s American accent is simply awful! Though I think it progressively improved as the movie went on, most of the time he sounded like he had a sock stuck in his mouth. Also, is it just me, or has this movie been shot through a bunch of filters that make all colors look like they have been mixed with grey? And why are all of Christian’s ties grey? And why are most of his clothes grey? And why is his office and house decorated in different shades of grey? Subtle… Very subtle…

I hate to be that girl, but OH MY GOD Jamie Dornan without his shirt is HOT! He’s hot even with his clothes on! There were about twenty people in the movie theater and about five of them were men. I was impressed. But mostly, I feel sorry for the guys whose girlfriends dragged them to this horror show. At least I could stare at Jamie Dornan’s abs when I got bored… Which was a lot! Dakota Johnson is fine and all, but Ana is so frustratingly idiotic I wanted to smack her in the face with my popcorn!

The first half of this movie was tolerable. I could at least laugh at the stupidity of the characters’ lines and the general horribleness. The second half was physically painful. Not even Jamie Dornan’s abs could make it better. I kept wondering when would this torture be over… And no, I don’t mean the ‘kinky’ sex, which grew progressively more boring along with the rest of the movie.

There were a few good things. Like Christian’s suits, his fabulous apartment, his awesome collection of cars, or those comfy-looking blue sheets, that eastern-looking wallpaper (you can imagine how interesting this movie was since I spent my time noticing the wallpaper) and there were some stunning views, too. The soundtrack was definitely worth it! Yeah, that’s about it.

The worst thing about this movie was the audience reactions. Two ladies, I’m guessing around 50, were sitting in front of me. From their comments I gathered that one of them had read the books which she enjoyed. After the movie was over, the other one turned to her friend and said: “It was good.” I wanted to scream. Did we watch the same movie? Because I would never describe any part of the outrage I had just sat through as ‘good’. I wanted to gouge my eyes out with my bare hands to make it stop.

I guess my feelings about this movie can be summed up in two words: laughter and horror. Laughter because it is the only sane way to approach this movie, and horror because this franchise has caused me to lose my faith in humanity. I am honestly ashamed of the female sex. I still can’t believe there are two more to come! My recommendation is: don’t watch this movie, unless you’re redecorating and looking for new ideas. I’m still crying over the ticket money. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel a sudden need to binge-read all of Shakespeare’s works in the hopes of cleansing my brain…

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